Here's to a better day

Today has got to be better.

The fax went through, this morning, finally.

It's my wonderful Mama's birthday, so we get to celebrate HER.

Friends reached out yesterday, offering shoulders and brainstorming how they might be able to help. So take that, universe. You might be crapping on us right now but our friends are standing with us. I hope that tells you something.

We're doing all we can, we know that. It just doesn't feel like enough, but it's all we can do.

Today's sponsor: Your very own big, fat failure

Some days I feel like everything I touch in regard to this adoption turns to absolute crap.

Today is one of those days.

We're back to battling for verification of our mortgage payments in the exact manner the Russian judge wants. Today found me begging in a local office of our mortgage bank, only to be turned away empty handed. I was essentially told the only people who could give me what I need are the main corporate offices, which possibly means getting the document notarized in another state which means I'll have to get an apostille from another state and then letters explaining the apostille procedure from that state as well as verification that the apostille came from that state - which likely means a number of days or weeks AFTER I get the verification from our mortgage holder, which could also take some time.

So, I sat in my car and cried and then put together all the documents I need to fax to the mortgage company...only to find that all circuits are busy and my fax will.not.go.through. (I've just tried again, hours later, and it still says all circuits are busy. Best-case scenario is that the fax eventually goes through and the legal department of our mortgage company agrees to the letter and instructs a local branch to print, sign and notarize. That's the ideal. Worst case is no letter or a letter signed or notarized in another state.)

I feel like a big, fat miserable failure and I'm not feeling at all hopeful at this point. I really fear documents we filed in November will expire in May and that we'll have to redo a huge batch of stuff. We haven't even gotten THIS batch to be acceptable to the judge and look how long it's taken. If our November stuff expires in May and we have to start all over I honestly think we're looking at 6 months or more.

I know that's worst-case scenario, but why do I have reason to think otherwise given the way things are going?

Will it ever end?

I'm SO tired of paperwork. There are a couple of pieces that just are bad pennies and we have to keep redoing them, for a variety of reasons. I know we have to do them. I get it. I'll do them. But I'm so SICK of doing them I can't even tell you. I HATE asking other people to hep us out and making them do things special, specific, strange kind of ways. Just today I went to pick up what I thought were our final bank letter only to find out that the notary information is still wrong so I had to go back and ask them to do it a FOURTH TIME. Yes, technically their mistake but it's still because I'm asking for something from them and I keep asking and asking and asking.

BLARGH! Yes, it's for the girls. But come on. It's been almost TWO YEARS of this and I'm just exhausted.

No need to reply or to give a pep talk. I know I just need to suck it up and quit complaining. But it's my blog and my place to rant, so today I'm going to rant. :) 

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming

After a more-than-somewhat bizarre week, we're back to what has become to feel like the norm. You got it...documents.

The Russian judge has asked for a few more "tweaks" to some of the documents we've filed. And you know what? After the brewhaha (I'm sure that's spelled wrong) of the last few weeks, I actually don't blame her. We're making two new requests for Kansas Bureau of Investigation background checks due to a notary/apostille request and have a few tweaks to make to two documents that have been problematic all along - not because of their contents but because of their formatting. I'm dealing with a major bank in regard to the mortgage letter and I'm going to try once again to get them to give me the information we need in the somewhat non-standard way the judge has requested she receives it. Wish me luck. I'll likely tackle that mountain tomorrow.

And, I need "our" notary (you know who you are!) to do two cover documents for our FBI background checks - turns out we need that second set after all to save us some time! This one deals entirely with changing one word on the notary cover sheet - replacing "original" with "copy" even though the documents are originals. Strange. But, now we're back to saying, "Whatever it takes to get the girls...." so we'll do it.

Hopefully we can get this all in soon so it can be reviewed in Russia. Fingers crossed.

Thanks to all for the positive feedback on the article featuring us on the Kansas City Star. It surprisingly landed on the front page!

Oh the places life takes you

At one time in my life, I was on the note-taking side of a reporter's notebook. I'd meet people to interview, jot down their quotes, think about how to start and end the stories I'd write about them with just the right touch of color, the absolute perfect quote.

Today I sat on my couch on the other side of that reporter's notebook, as a feature writer from the Kansas City Star went on an abbreviated version of our adoption - well, really our entire family building - journey with me. Thankfully, she was very kind and considerate and genuine, and I'm not entirely shy or un-talkative, so I think I gave her plenty of color and, by my own accounts, absolutely perfect quotes.

I think I'll look back at the last two days in this remarkable story we're living as definining moments. There are a few days that stand out with remarkable clarity: the day we sat on our deck and decided on Russia and there were flutters of excitement in my heart and soul, the night we sat on the aforementioned couch and discussed two little sisters thousands of miles away, the morning we boarded a plane that was the first part of our first trip to Russia, the day we walked into an orphanage and heard the pitter-patter of little feet running into the room.

I really don't want to remember with that singular clarity my absolute despair yesterday morning that all in-process Russian adoptions had been frozen. It was not pretty. I was broken.

Then I got an e-mail from an Associated Press reporter in Moscow and was suddenly "in demand" to discuss what's become an international story.

While I literally sweated through the entire interview - I mean serious sweat rolling down my back - it felt so, so good to DO something. Something positive. Something to demonstrate the TRUTH about what I've come to know...through living it...about the mass, huge majority of families who adopt from Russia. The lady in Tennessee is an anomoly, an abberation of everything real that I see every day about international, and domestic, adoption. It felt like I had a responsibility to shout that from the mountains...and the AP interview gave me a chance to, if not shout, state firmly in a calm, controlled and professional manner.

It was surreal to see the story I was quoted in listed as one of the main stories on msnbc.

Then today found us getting a request from our local metro paper to share our story. While I've been very open and honest about nearly all parts of our family building journey - probably to the annoyance of some - with friends and family, and even strangers through this very blog, the thought of sharing some personal pieces and parts in a newspaper setting was a little scary. It still is. I'm sure the story will be wonderful, but I'm still scared spitless. Just writing about it now has my heart beating a bit faster.

But you know what? That's GOOD. That's what I needed. A burst of energy, a reconnection to the girls by being able to take advantage of an opportunity presented to me, us, to repeat the truth we've come to know.

Now we'll have some interesting, entirely unique pieces to put in the girls' scrapbooks. Someday we'll sit on the same aforementioned-twice couch all snuggled together and read the story and we'll tell them about how much we already loved them. However scared I might be, it was something real and tangible we could do for the girls. Until I can be their day-to-day mother, it feels good to do something in their best interest - and I so hope, in the best interest of so, so many wonderful children who need the loving homes waiting for them here in the United States.

Suspended hopefulness

Get it? Suspended? As in the news that was being reported earlier that all US/Russian adoptions were suspended?
Now we're being told that there is no official freeze; our agency recommends we proceed as normal (which today I learned means even more paperwork than communicated yesterday). Today my mantra is back to, "Whatever we have to do for the girls..."

Additionally, I spent some time on the phone today doing an interview with an AP reporter; I'll let you know if I see anything come of it. Added later: This just in. My friend, Sarah, found this: http://townhall.com/news/us/2010/04/15/russia_adoption_confusion_rattles_us_families

MOSCOW (AP) — The U.S. State Department says there has been no suspension of adoptions of Russian children by Americans.



Reports of a suspension circulated Thursday based on comments in Moscow from a Russian Foreign Ministry spokesman. He was reacting to the case of an American woman who sent her 7-year-old adopted son back to Russia on a plane by himself.


The U.S. State Department's consular affairs office, however, says it has confirmed with the U.S. Embassy in Moscow and the Russian Embassy in Washington that adoptions are still being processed. The office says there has been no suspension.


A U.S. delegation plans to meet with Russian officials next week to discuss a possible adoption treaty. Russia says such a treaty must be signed if adoptions to the U.S. are to continue.

A cold, hard freeze

While it hasn't been confirmed by the Department of Education, the news organizations are widely reporting that all US/Russian adoptions have been suspended. Frozen. Stalled.

If you pray, please pray, not for Brian and me, but for all of the children involved. I cannot tell you adequately what it's like to walk into a Russian orphanage. Even with the best care, the most loving caregivers and the most wonderful directors, it's not a home.

Please also pray for the officials who will travel to try to come to an agreement so the adoptions can continue.

Documents again and again and again

I've received word that new notarizations and apostilles are now being requested for some of our documents. This means waiting for the originals in Russia to come back, fixing them, getting them re-apostilled, then waiting for our state to provide two support documents required each and every time we send apostilled documents to Russia, then sending them to our agency, then sending them to Russia to be translated then submitting them to the judge.

Bleak, bleak, bleak.

Unbelievable

I'm stunned by the news that's been circulating about a mother and grandmother in Tennessee who put a 7-year-old the mother had adopted in Russia on a plane to Moscow, alone, with a letter essentially saying he was being returned.

Now the agency (not ours) has been suspended and Russian officials are calling for a freeze in all adoptions in progress until some kind of treaty or agreement can be worked out between the US and Russia. We have no idea at this point if anything will be put on hold but know that issues like this are huge in Russia.

I'd been having a tough 10 days or so anyway, as our personal situation has entirely stalled out. Now thoughts of this boy and this situation and what it could mean to those of us who truly believe in what we're doing are overwhelming on top of my own personal worry, stress and pain. I just don't understand how, even if things get horrible, you could ever think that that was an appropriate way to deal with it? I'm stumped.

I almost didn't post because I'm just so tired of the stress of it all but know that many are concerned for us, so I figured I'd better at least say something. I'll likely be quiet until we have any good news. Thanks for your good thoughts.

Well, it's April

April is the month I've been both coveting and dreading.

My life these days is a contradiction, a constant pull of yin and yang, of good and bad, of dark and light. I'm certain that I'm no different from any person walking this earth - that there are coexisting times of great joy and deep sorrow, pleasure and pain that ebb and flow on a daily basis. For some, it might be that everything's good except a job or a relationship or a health problem. What I'm trying to say is that I realize there is so much good in my life, but the teeter-totter we're on right now constantly reminds me of the down side of the plank, where you brace yourself to not let your butt get horribly whacked on the ground, jarring you.

Why have I been coveting April? Because it's truly the month of rebirth, of what I think of as spring. For the Christians among us there's Easter, which I'm learning about more this year in a religious way. For the Jewish contingent, there's Passover, where people were freed from a life with limited choices. For nature, there's flowers blooming and bushes greening and trees making leaves. For us personally, we hope it's the month where we have some action, gain some traction. I won't say I hope it's the month we become parents because that's just poking too large of a stick at the fates, but I will say it has to be better than March. (Please?)

Why have I been dreading April? Because it marks an anniversary for us. 4 years ago we began trying to build a family. 4 years ago I watched a friend hold her newborn daughter and told another friend as we were leaving the hospital that though Brian and I had decided to wait until July of that year to start trying, that I didn't want to wait any more. Turns out, neither did Brian.

And here we are, 4 years later. 4 years of daily - yes, daily - reminders. First it was the ovulation test kits, then the Clomid with the OBGYN, then the infertility doctor and the tests and the inseminations and the IVF. Then it was the time in between. Then it was the high of deciding on adoption and the initial excitement of paperwork because that was progress! We were doing something. Then it was so many things - being registered in a region, switching regions, getting our referral, going to Russia, meeting the girls.

Under it all? The constant? The dream, the picture, the yearning. Friends in those 4 years have had families, built families, celebrated milestone birthdays and achievements. Have their lives been perfect? Nope? But they've been living them with their children.

So, April means that that ache that is always, always there, is a little deeper, because it's yet another anniversary we mark without children, without the family we've dreamed of. The calendar smacks us in the face and mocks us.

And along with it? A little heart flutter that says, maybe, maybe, maybe.