Three years

It's April 2009 now, and that means that it's been three years since Brian and I tried to start a family.

I'm trying really hard not to be negative Nelly, really I am, but I feel as though I'm failing miserably. There's just some tough stuff going on in a couple aspects of my life and this turning of the calendar page is like a smack in the face and an ache in the heart.

I know, logically, that we're three years closer than we were, even if we didn't know we'd have a multiple-year journey ahead of us. I know, logically, that I've grown stronger, Brian's grown stronger, we've grown stronger as a couple. I know, logically, that I've made friends through this process who I never would have met before and they are women who I admire and are so proud to know.

But.

In the last three years, we've also seen families around us start. We've undergone fertility treatments and financial hardships because of our decisions. We've seen families around us grow. We've moved on to adoption and have more financial hardships, less time together because of extra jobs.

See, I told you I was failing miserably in not being a negative Nelly.

Brian and I have always made it a point to enjoy being where we are. When we were dating, we really didn't worry to much about what was next, because I think we knew what was next and that we'd get there. When we got there, we truly enjoyed being engaged and the wedding process and didn't look too far ahead.

My problem know is that we've been in kind of the same place for the last three years now. When we started trying to have a family in April of 2006, if you had asked, I would have said by April 2009 we'd have a toddler and a couple of years of parenting under our belts. I told Brian today that I'm actually beginning to have trouble imagining us as parents...those daydreams are fuzzy, the images that used to keep me going are harder to form. Maybe it's because it's been three years or maybe it is my psyche trying to protect myself. I'm not sure.

So, I apologize for the post, but I really needed to get some words and thoughts out of me and this is the only place where I thought I could put them (besides, of course, talking to Brian, who remains the most positive, stable force in my life and I am so thankful every second that he's willing to go through this journey with a far less emotionally stable me!). I know the likely comments in response will be, "It will happen when the time is right," or "Keep the faith...it will happen," or "It's tough." I know that part of me believes that is all true, but another part of me is starting to get really frightened that for me, for us, maybe it's not.